A Cultural Reference Older Than Six Minutes

My last blog was entitled "Wimpy is for Hamburgers, Not Americans." I thought it was a rather clever play on words and the title worked well for the main point of the post. With 2.5 millions Americans locked up in stir and with Supermax prisons dotting the countryside like big box roach motels, why the irrational concern from wimpy members of Congress, stoked by whiny media tele-prompter readers, towards adding a couple of hundred more guys from Gitmo to the ledger books? It wasn't as if these toughs were actual super villains who could bend metal or fly at the speed of sound.

I remember in high school being so clever with my double entendres and smart-ass remarks that 1) I got punched in the nose by teacher and student alike; 2) the principal christened my very own chair in detention; 3) I spent most Saturday night in my bedroom alone watching professional wrestling matches broadcast out of the Twin Cities; and 4) even I was confused by half the things I referenced. I would read the encyclopedia just to flavor my classroom disruptions with punchlines a tad more intellectual than "ya, says you" or "your momma wears combat boots from Yosts."

One day, I was slapped with three hours worth of detention for comparing boar, bore and Boer with the yawn factor of the teacher in front of me. Talk about being an obscurantist. None of my fellow classmates understood the final Boer reference, blowing the stand-up totally even though I was seated at the time. Mr. D. did, as he was English, had been born around 1900, and as I woefully discovered later, one of his cousins had died in an ambush there. I did get some laughs when I was dragged out of my seat and shoved out the door. My punishment: writing 50 times Rupert Brooke's poem, The Soldier.

I received several e-mails over the last 48 hours asking me to explain the meaning behind the "Wimpy is for Hamburgers, Not Americans" title. Was I making fun of hamburgers? Was I a vegetarian? Was I saying that Americans are "not?" I thought the line was self-evident. It never occurred to me I had written words in need of a footnote. Then I realized the title actually had a double meaning, one even I was not familiar with. Me bad. I apologize. I should have done a Google search myself.

I was referencing Popeye the Sailor's sidekick, J. Wellington Wimpy. Wimpy, as the above cartoon illustrates, will do anything for a hamburger. In fact, the character's "I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" was, at one time, as famous an expression as "duck and cover." The Wimpy reference dates back to the 1930s. "Duck and cover" to the 1950s. I'll make my younger readers feel comfortable. So what do you think of The Vapors?

I had no idea that at one time there was an English fast food chain called Wimpys. My father was a butcher in Madison; what was the point of ever going out for a hamburger when I could have rib-eye any time I wanted?

So that's all there is, there ain't no more. Nothing subversive, just a plea for our Congressional representatives to stop whining like a bunch of politically grandstanding stick figures. Speaking of producing appropriate wood, this town in Hardin, Montana is certainly living up to its name.

Wimpy is for Hamburgers, Not Americans

I’ve always thought of myself as a tough American male. Granted, I never went into the military service, nor have I ever fired a gun heavier than what the good Lord gave me at birth; but I’ve driven the freeways of Los Angeles at night, fought off the wheel-chaired crowds on Black Friday, and suffered through enough blind dates with professional virgins to produce stigmata.

Toughness. I’ve walked the aisles of gun shows in fatigues with an unsmiling face and clenched fist looking for semi automatic super-soakers; been tattooed by near sighted artists (I still have URE MOMA in a place only a double jointed gymnastic could wash properly); and researched enough urban lingo to ask a white clerk in a Sioux Falls, South Dakota Wal-Mart whether the store sold 50 Cents' Straight to the Bank as a single.

Toughness. I gave rocks to peaceniks next to me to throw at National Guardsmen during my years at Wisconsin, had my girlfriend purchase condoms when the check-out counter was manned by a female, and refused to purchase a Rolex on the streets of New York unless the guy from Somalia produced a bill of authenticity.

Toughness. I’ve attended enough court-ordered opera and ballet performances to qualify for anger management credit and sat through every foo-foo French film where two women kissed each other in bath tubs for no apparent reason. I’ve run up the Laurel and Hardy stairs in Silverlake, yet refused all CPR or hospitalization care afterward. I’ve walked down Hollywood Blvd at 1 AM looking for the John Bunny Walk of Fame star (1715 Vine). I know from toughness.

So I was somewhat confused by my sudden wave of wimpification this morning. I actually passed on my normal breakfast of a burnt piece of toast and a rotten egg. Then I remembered I had fallen asleep in front of the television last night watching Fox News.

Fox News has saved me from being a non-muscled star on MSNBC’s Lock-Up for years. Whenever too much testosterone courses through these old plaque-congealed arteries, I don’t rush out and shoot up the neighborhood or pick fights with older arthritic women waiting in line at the local salad bar. I sit down with a glass of saltpeter and watch Fox News, where every segment concerns Armageddon in your backyard, toxic threats in your front yard, and human malignancies coming at you from every direction. I get so shook up I forget to leave my apartment. The 24/7 fear factor is so acute that yesterday I had 48 cases of beer delivered to sustain me throughout the long Memorial Day weekend.

Today’s scare de jure is the closing of Hotel Gitmo and how western civilization will collapse like Rome against Odoacer in 476A.D., if these prisoners end up on real American soil. Last week, the cause of our extinction was Swine Flu, the week before it was Obama and socialism and before that it was Obama and --- (fill in the blank). Where to put all the un-indicted co-conspirators picked up God only knows where for who knows what reason has everyone in Congress pulling out their out-sourced backbones and scrubbing away their Davy Crockett, Kit Carson, and George Patton July 4th State Fair vocabularies.

Not since post Larry Craig, when both genders in Congress refused to use public urinals within a 500 mile radius of the Twin Cities, has their been so much male wimpiness and outright terror amongst our representatives. I thought guys from Montana and Nevada and Kentucky were born with steel ones. I dissected a frog in ninth grade with larger "nads" than these guys. Then I was told by Mr. Olson, my biology teacher, that what I was examining were ovaries.

Men who look manly enough to whip any Waldorf salad with or without croutons; who are virile enough to stand tall and justify not giving the average American the same sort of health benefits they automatically receive; and who bathe daily in the poisonous waters of Lake Pharisaism, with its dual undertows of hypocrisy and sanctimoniousness, suddenly become like a bunch of frightened three year-olds in a bedroom without a night light.

A 24 hour marathon session of Lock-Ups is video proof that our current Supermax prisons are simply too laid-back to hold these Gitmo ghouls. The current prison population of rapists, murderers, skin-heads, pedophiles, arsonists, and Central American drug lords is no match for any group that can withstand 24/7 viewings of American Idol audition tapes from Sheboygan. These toughs make Lex Luthor and the Joker look like comic book villains. Only New York cabbies act tougher and are angrier.

Now I’m not Brandeis, but doesn't securing any of these cutthroats in anything other than a military prison or naval brig force us under law to go through all of that bothersome Perry Mason/Judge Judy stuff. Why bother? Who are they going to complain to? I don’t even want to do jury duty unless I can give someone the chair.

I remember some pantywaist bleeding heart liberal from Arkansas telling me decades ago that he used to live close to an WWII German POW’s camp. Hogwash, I told him. Then I did some investigation and discovered that during the Second World War this country housed some 400 thousand Axis POW’s in about 500 separate camps.

Several Christmases ago, instead of receiving from my Wisconsin admirers another polar fleece sweater for the sub-zero Los Angeles winters, what should Santa deliver but a fascinating book about my home state: Stalag Wisconsin by Betty Cowley. Who would have thunk that America's Dairyland held sway to over 20 thousand German and Japanese soldiers in 38 branch camps? A number of these men refused repatriation after the war, deciding instead to wait in line to secure perpetual season seats at Packer games.

Lately we've been told that Nazis and Fascists were weak-kneed weenies compared to the Al-Qaeda threat. WWII produced the “greatest generation” where big balls became so mandatory that even capons and mules were required to grow a pair. But followers of an organization that can wreck the world of English spelling by simply refusing to follow a Q with a U shakes the very foundations of who we are. We're not equipped for such psychic intimidation. Is it any wonder after 9-11 our generation was told to go on vacation or the terrorists would win? Instead of Pearl Harbor, we went instead to Sag Harbor.

As none of our super-max prisons are anything other than playgrounds, perhaps Congress might favor these guys on American soil if we wrapped everything up with a little bit of historical bunting and made a profit out of it: Quarantine them in an Andersonville or a Camp Douglas. These names are more American than Guantanamo. The possibility of a privately run gift store enhances its marketability, as would daily tour groups where tourists could feed the prisoners non-pork products. I think Fox and Friends would kvell over this suggestion except for the pork products stuff.

Excelsior! Turn me sideways and slap me with marmalade. Thank goodness for my comic book collection. I knew something was not right in tough guy land. Why would NRA members of Congress act and sound as if none had ever held a fully automatic weapon in their hands? Or lose their courage like some punk asses waiting to ride the Cyclone at Coney Island? Or put their cojones in moth balls (is that redundant?)? What weren't we being told?

It’s now become as clear as the picture of these ovaries I just downloaded. The pundits with their pint-sized pecs, consistently so wrong on so many subjects for so long a period of time have been sending us masked signals: Beware these imprisoned aliens for good reason. The answer like all of life's meanings emanates from both the Marvel Universe, X-Men in particular and Tolkien.

Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp is a government front, a rouse, a black ops illusion. Blow away the smoke. Gitmo is actuality Genosha, the existence of which was first broken in Uncanny X-Men #235 (October 1988) by investigative reporters Chris Claremont and Rick Leonardi. The characters the ACLU want loose to traipse along the boarded up shops of Main Street aren’t ordinary run of the mill super terrorists. They're far worse than that. In the language of Arda, Al Quada means "mutant".

Yes, those mutants with the X chromosome. Unless kept behind mutant secure bars (none of which currently exist in any Supermax), these forces would align themselves with the likes of Magneto, Mr. Sinister, and possibly even Apocalypse and go after the Justice League of America or the snot-nosed Teen Titans. Well screw that. Other than Batman, there isn’t a single member of the JLA team that has a decent movie franchise going so what sort of fight would that be.

Gitmo isn’t a prison run by the Navy or Marines. The individuals keeping us safe from thugs that can read our minds, dissolve metals, shoot lasers from their eyes, levitate buildings, turn rivers into concrete among other powers are thankfully named Punchout, Pipeline, Wipeout, and Hawkshaw. Thank God for the Press Gang and the Magistrates. They might not be as tough as Seals or Army Rangers, but they have really cool names.

Now that I've put all the pieces together, I feel less sweaty about my future. I understand why Congress, the President, Fox News and the bubble safe Washington punditry class want to keep Genosha open. They're not protecting us from mortals. They're protecting us from bad mutants. I can't wait to call up Moira MacTaggert and tell her of my conclusions. Perhaps afterwards we can head off to the Troubadour. I hear the Acolytes are performing tonight their number one hit, "Legacy Virus". But first I have to reseal my Days of Future Past and Fall of the Mutants issues for they do speak the truth.

Webcam: Canada goose nest near Edmonton

I love this sort of stuff and, yes, I watch action like this for hours on end, though I do tend to be embarrassed during courting season when I wish all concerned would simply get a room.

One Picture Tells a Thousand Stories

Short films still get short shrift in the commercial marketplace. While we junkies have specific film festivals, cataloging sites like Short Film Central, You Tube, Google Films, AWNtv and a multiple of other internet viewing locations (when permission is given) to keep us abreast of this wonderful perverse world, the short film remains the step-child of the business, given its eye blink of allotted time during the Oscars. True auteurism can exist only in the short film.

Gems surface, burn brightly for a short period of time, then disappear, like some pharaoh's tomb, into the shifting sands of obscurity. Most of my gold strikes occur late at night when forced to retire to the couch due to some minor indiscretion of months past finally coming to light, sleep becomes impossible over the crying and banging of suitcases being packed. I thought the belief in Jesus, like the picking of Supreme Court justices, was all about empathy, but I digress.

Currently the National Film Board of Canada (wish we had an organization like this in America), the Cannes Film Festival and You Tube are sponsoring the Fifth Annual "internet eyeballs choose the winner" competition from a selection of ten award winning short films. Viewing them all in one sitting (I think my friend walked out on me during selection number three, but I'm not sure as my headphones were on), made me laugh and cry and fall in love all over again.

My favorite of the ten is The Facts in the Case of Mister Hollow, a hauntingly mesmerizing piece of such virtuosity that I kept coming back to it over and over again. If Sherlock Holmes were a film maker, this would have been his masterwork to jerk around the guys from CSI. For any serious student of film, this little diamond is must viewing for its use of camera and single frame movement .

Coming in a close second is Sebastian's Voodoo, a piece of creepy animation so Christ-like in its implications that perhaps I might be reading a tad to much into it. The ending is a true Kleenex moment.



Rounding out the top three is the stutter framed Walter Ate a Peanut, a testament to man's ability to withstand any inhumanity except food on the kitchen floor. If marriage is a box of chocolates, I'll stick with my peanut allergy.

Sandbox: The Real Men in Black

I was reminded of this clip several days ago when I overheard several young gamers discussing the merits of the latest killer videos out there. According to them, game animation has reached such exquisite levels that you could all but smell the sweat of bleeding terrorists and the dust of exploding mud huts. Makes me want to go out and learn how to work my opposable thumbs again.

Sandbox is directed towards those armchair warriors whose closest brush with death is shaky hand eye coordination as a first person shooter playing Sniper Elite or safely watching authentic Iraqi and Afghan footage on You Tube over a couple of cold ones. This short powerful piece of animation, adapted from Colby Buzzell's Iraq memoir, My War: Killing Time in Iraq should preface all war games that first need a wall socket to activate. Directed by Richard Robbins, this emotionally draining segment is from a 2007 documentary entitled Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience.

The book is a must read; the film a must see. For the young testosterone filled barbarians out there, however, far too little viscera of the enemy is shown to rate this high on the popular play value scale.

A Mother's Day Cabbage Cleanse

I play Russian roulette with my arteries whenever I walk into a deli. My fatal coronary will be due to my high school math teacher, Mr. Schenck. He used to say, "Life is short, death is long, you're making both unbearable for me," during our daily hour together. I wasn't one of his better students in trig or calculus. I never asked stupider questions or had a more open-mouthed, dumb as a sack of nails look then those days when trying to comprehend math beyond the multiplication tables.

I did get something out of Mr. Schenck's sixty minutes of daily humiliation. I modified his aphorism about life to justify ordering cheese blintzes, corn beef sandwiches, potato pancakes, and a whole assortment of other normal heart-stoppers while I still have working taste buds. Life is far too short, so why not live it as a glutton?

This afternoon, I walked down to my favorite coronary occlusion, but ordered a big bowl of cabbage soup instead. Cabbage soup will always remind me of my English mother for it was her favorite meal. I have a bowl of it every Mother's Day in her memory. Any other time of the year, I would rather eat dirt.

My mother was the ultimate survivor. She weathered a cold orphanage from the age of three (her mother could not afford to keep her at home) and a burst appendix by six, with lifetime bouts of simmering peritonitis as a result. She pulled through dreary English winters and the nondescript summers that followed. She endured Dickensian schools in post Edwardian times. She persevered against the writings of Trollope, Thackeray and Bulwer-Lytton, yet her formal education ended at sixteen.

She saw Churchill speak in the rain and Hitchcock walking with his wife. She worked a thirty hour day during the Great Depression, juggling several jobs while taking care of her invalid mother. She outlasted The Battle of Britain and Werner Von Braun’s V2 Rockets , during which she was a daytime air raid warden and a night-time bomb shelter inhabitant. When the war ended, she counted the number of shrapnel scars on her body and decided enough was enough. She and my dad sailed to America on the Queen Mary to become Yankee Doodle Dandies.

She wasn't much for talking about her personal life. Every time I would ask her a question about her days in London, she would say, "What are you writing a biography?" Obviously not! Her expression would have been one of glassy-eyed indifference at the alliterative nonsense, "Greatest Generation" as if anyone in her generation had had any choice in the matter.

My mom was no econ professor from Dartmouth, but like everyone else who had tasted the gruel of the 1930s, she understood enough about the cyclical nature of the marketplace to forever be on the lookout for the next slide downwards. Economic Armageddon was always right around the corner for her. The banks would fail again; soup kitchens would once more litter the landscape; riding the rails would be the chosen form of public transportation other than shank's pony. The world would turn to cabbage soup as salvation. Then, no doubt, to the closest bathroom.

Pointing to the clouds over Lake Monona, she would say in her best Michael Caine Cockney accent, "One day those annoying rain clouds will be dust clouds spiraling towards the Greenbush area and they won't be a bunch of Hoovers in reverse".

Huh? I've Googled every English writer since Bede trying to reference that quote. No luck. What did she mean? England never witnessed any Woody Guthrie scenes during the Depression. I asked Greenbush old timers whether Madison had ever experienced dust bowls? I was seven years old at the time. They looked at me as if I were nuts; then they walked over to their liquor cabinets to check on the contents.

Maybe it was never meant to mean anything other than it was time for me to vacuum the rugs again.

According to her, most of England not associated with the Royal Family or aging Edwardian figures lived hand to mouth on vast quantities of cabbage soup. Perhaps, that's why the British Isles was so verdant. In fact this mush had kept the British people going since the days of the Celts. Had Harold II and his men at Hastings supped on cabbage soup the evening of October 13, 1066, the Anglo-Saxons could have beaten back the Norman invasion by collectively drowning them in a cleanse.

Certainly not a great story to persuade a child to continue to eat cabbage soup. I grew up believing that the lowly cabbage was, along with the RAF and the atomic bomb, the prime mover in winning World War II. Volunteering to face Axis gunfire rather than sitting home eating this swill made sense to me even as a youngster. At least away from this soup standing was an option.

Convinced that "another" dust bowl would soon hit Madison and we would all starve to death three times a day, I went out behind my house on Mound Street and plowed up the back forty...feet, planting nothing but cabbages. No tomatoes, lettuce, or rhubarb for me. I had become a survivalist without even owning a semi-automatic. At least eating cabbage soup would give me the strength to make a healthy run on the banks, my mom would say off-handedly, as over the years, she put bucket after bucket of this slop in front of me. In fact I suspect I would have kept on running.

She loved cabbage soup. I ate so much of that stuff as a kid that I could have filled a sixth Lake around Madison with its by-product. The English did not so much lose their Empire as poop it away.

So to celebrate Mother's Day, I offer up to my readers a film that certainly my mother was well aware of. I can imagine her sitting in a darkened theatre in 1943, smoking a fag (English slang for "cigarette" so put your eyeballs back in their sockets), waiting like everyone else to get through a war-time movie, perhaps starring Tyrone Powers or John Mills, before fleeing back to the air raid shelters and the privvies.




Note that the boys remain outside to take in the fresh air while the girls stand around in an airless kitchen breathing the cabbage soup fumes.

Why Mothers Want You To Clean Up Your Room

What better way of celebrating Mother's Day than by cleaning up and throwing out everything that might some day be of value on eBay? None of us wants to be the cause of entire neighborhoods going up in flames after an H-bomb attack.

No doubt my mother was ahead of the curve when she tossed out all of my original blacklight posters from the 1960s, the Janice Joplin autograph from her November 21, 1969 Dane County Expo concert, early X-Men, Spiderman and Fantastic Four comics, as well as assorted signed first edition novels, agit-prop materials, and hundreds of photos of riot-torn Madison during my time on campus. Her excuse: She thought I was never coming home again. I'd left for one afternoon to go down to the Field Museum in Chicago.

I am not a slob. I dust whenever I see air particles dancing around my apartment, or find myself able to blow smoke rings upon exhalation. Used paper plates are placed neatly in the dishwasher alongside unbroken plastic cutlery. Kitchen grime is sand blasted off every six months -- whether necessary or not. I pick up after myself unless the magazines, newspapers, books, and pizza cartons lay there to pick up falling dust or to hide bare carpet or molding floorboards.

My mother once said that if I didn't start cleaning up after myself, I'd have no one other than CDC mandated cleaning crews breaking into my apartment. She was wrong. Every so often I found singing girlfriends willing to tidy up around me -- though credit card charges proved to be more expensive than the Haz-Met crews forced upon me by federal law. Funny how some songs are made for dusting and vacuuming.

Craig Virden: RIP

One of the most recognizable faces of the New York children’s book publishing community passed away yesterday of a pulmonary embolism at the far too early age of 56. Craig Virden was Bunyanesque, boisterous, wonderfully erudite, a marvelous raconteur, a natural humorist. I knew him first from his days at Scholastic Books, then as the producer of DIC's Get A Long Gang. In the mid-nineties he became head of the children’s book division of Random House.

For twenty years I would see Craig at children’s literary functions. I would wait my turn for this force of nature always had members of the publishing world and the literati surrounding him. I would go up to him and tap him on his knees for he did tower over me. "Any good stories to relate about publishing life in the Big City (New York is a big city, Los Angeles is just a city)?" I would echo up to him. Damn if he wouldn’t begin to spin forth tales that made me burst out loud laughing. He would then be dragged away to countless meetings, and I would see him again at the next big publishing get-together. I was never sure whether any of his stories were true, but they certainly were funny.

To get a small measure of the man, here is his Publisher’s Weekly blog from this year’s Bologna Children's Book Fair. I made it a must every morning to read Craig's observations of a publishing world in flux.

I extend my heartfelt condolences to his lovely wife, literary agent Nancy Gallt who I have also known for years, and to their children. Craig will be sorely missed.

NOIR OBGYN: FINGERS OF FURY

I’m a big fan of Adult Swim, Cartoon Network’s late night batch of idiocy for the insomniac in all of us. Why go to bed after the Colbert Report when such eye-catching gems as Assy McGee; Aqua Teen Hunger Force; Frisky Dingo; Robot Chicken; Venture Brothers; Superjail; Lucy, Daughter of the Devil; and dozens of like-minded shows can prevent dysfunctional males from dialing Escorts-R-Us or walking into a local bar sober and volunteering to be pummeled with pool cues?

I’ve wanted to develop a show for Adult Swim since its inception in the fall of 2001. Had I gone soft though? Had swimming in the glorified pond of children’s programming for the last several decades withered my cretin-grinning George Bush frat boy, pants down to the ankles, vomit hurling, tongue-licking frozen street poles male credibility somewhat?

Look at my résumé of shows I've worked on: Doe-eyed creatures dripping goodness and light; comic book superheroes dripping goodness and light; little girls and smiling ghosts dripping goodness and light. I've produced more light than Con Ed and more goodness than Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Adult Swim executives would laugh their boney asses off at my very presence. What would I, a purveyor of soft talking, smiley-faced animals and loopy "let's now all drink our milk together" programs know from being adult. I would not be read. I would be forcefully thrown out of their offices by way of their plate glass windows; or sneered at as a pseudo-hip kind of guy. What children's programming executive could create anything of merit for that portion of the population legally allowed to pilot cars over cliffs? What would the concept need to be to prove I still had male jackass qualities?

As I’ve matured, I’ve become shorter and more crinkly. I now wear my polyester pants up around my goiter, just the same way I did in high school; my liver spots have grandchildren of their own. Had I matured to the point of no return?

A wag once described Adult Swim as proof positive that males 17+ will watch anything if they're drunk. While I’m a male and my fuzzy vision is now due more to cataracts than carafes filled with alcoholic beverages, my mind still wallows in tumescence jokes, flatulence gags, and the proud ability to act my age as long as it’s twelve. Women flock to men like this...not! In fact, I’m so beyond 17+ that I now need a baby strainer for my Seven and Seven.

Much like a raging yeast infection, my Adult Swim concept germinated from a hot spot I’d prefer not discussing in mixed company; but I must do so -- otherwise this post ends here. Several years ago, I was searching for former classmates to inveigle them to attend our high school reunion, and through the Internet re-established contact with L. Now living in New England, L had become a successful doctor, specializing in what my dad used to call “vomen problems.” You know like “Vhat’s the matter mit you? You have vomen problems?” I remember in high school that L, unlike other girls, gave me the time of day. Why it was Mountain Standard Time I don't know as Madison, Wisconsin is in the Central Time Zone.

I grew up in a household with an English mother who never spoke about anything other than the weather and how large a disappointment I was vis-à-vis the other kids in the neighborhood. The mere mention of the word “sex” to my dad had him asking me what cut of meat I wanted for dinner. He was a butcher, so he knew from brisket and flanken, but preferred taking me out to dairy farms for an afternoon to observe animals at work and play.


Cow With An Awesome Talent - Watch more Funny Videos

One of the farmers said that watching animals was the best education in learning about the birds and bees. I had no idea what pigs, goats, horses and cows had to do with the birds and the bees. I got pooped on and stung a lot trying to find out. I eventually learned everything I needed to know about sex from reading the Farmer’s Almanac, Mad Magazine, and going to see Japanese monster movies at the Capitol and Orpheum theatres. To this day, I can’t watch a Godzilla or Mothra movie without becoming flushed with embarrassment. But I digress.

I remember in second grade a teacher telling me her husband was an OBGYN, which was weird because I had always called her Mrs. Murphy. Several years later, I learned the name of that wacky free-swinging organ that consumes the thoughts of 50% of the world’s population who don’t have one. With that second word, I was almost halfway to learning the 20 plus letters in the English alphabet. It might not have been the best way to learn the ABC’s, but it beat all the picture books given to me in high school.

At about the same time I was re-connecting with L, I was informed by A, a young lady who makes her living as a cartoon voice actor in Toronto, that the Canadian Broadcaster, Teletoons, was searching for ideas to fill its Detour slot. Detour is Canada’s post 9 p.m. time period, where more adult-themed animation is broadcast. Apparently Teletoons was tired of buying retreads from American suppliers like Adult Swim and were seeking more original content for their audience.

I’ve known A for decades. She’s gorgeous, talented, and has a mouth on her like a stevedore. Whether her Teletoons source was actually a drunk peeing behind Massey Hall or some graffiti on the interior walls of the Brass Rail, I don’t know; but she asked me whether I had any perverse cartoon ideas not involving her and her Neapolitan mastiff. Not at the moment, I told her, but I promised I would get back to her.

Why was I asked to come up with a concept? I glanced downward and saw that I was still flying the flag of the United States of America. That alone would make this exercise futile, because, like any other Yankee without landed status, that formidable beast, Canadian Content Rules would come into play. It would not merely be an exercise in writing. What I came up with for Detour could work as well for Adult Swim.

Canada is a smart country. It protects its own against the American artistic juggernaut, whereas we only protect Caribbean tax havens. For a Canadian company to get full government tax credits on any production, whether television series or film, it must employ as much Canadian talent, both in front of and behind the camera, as is humanly possible. Only within the last decade or so have a number of States such as Louisiana, Wisconsin, and New Mexico, to name but three, wised up to give our production companies tax breaks as well.

Read up on these Canadian rules at your leisure, for the graphs are fascinating and the accounting verbiage grammatically exciting; and with an ending as favorable to Americans as Pearl White being tied to the tracks of the Burlington Northern with a sizzling stick of dynamite in her ear and no rescue in sight.

I decided to try and come up with a concept knowing that if anyone did like it, I would have to give up 100% of the rights and any creative control if it were to go any further. I might be thrown a cruller or two and given a coupon to a Second Cup location, but that would be about it.

A % of something is better than 100% of nothing goes the saying. At least someone in Canada would read the idea, which is more than I could hope for here at the time.

Adult Swim cartoons are full of gratuitous sexual innuendoes and I wanted in on them (no pun intended). L had told me a bunch of OBGYN stories which creeped me out, but no ideas were really forthcoming. When I need writer inspiration I sit cross-legged in front of the television with some Hiram Walker in one hand, Triple Sec in the other, and a case of Bols strapped around my ankles. I open up a pack of Gitanes Brunes. Sometimes I even turn the set on. This dog was in for a long evening of solitary drunken debauchery.



If it weren’t for Turner Classic Movies, I would have one less reason to pickle my liver or burn out my lungs. That channel has saved me creatively more often than sandbags and sweat save Grand Forks from the Red River. TCM was offering old style Film Noir night. If nothing else, I could drink along with the actors in the movies.

Gun Crazy, Nightmare Alley, Kiss Me Deadly, and Out of the Past. By the end of this little marathon of gem classics, I knew what my concept would be. But first I had to remember where I left my apartment. I stood up; I fell down; I swore I saw Hoagy Carmichael sitting at a piano with a full orchestra behind him.



I suddenly felt "noir". I threw my shot glass against the wall; I desaturated all the color from my cheeks; then in a clipped staccato fashion, I commenced my very own voice over flashback.

That evening began the birth canal process for NOIR OBGYN: FINGERS OF FURY. Perhaps I might have gone overboard in combining “Noir” with the world of the “OBGYN.” When this idea was finally submitted to the folks up in Toronto, they were so aghast, they bodily threw A out of the office. I’m not sure whether it had anything to do with the material or the fact that the male executives wanted to see her bounce slowly, methodically, and deliberately down the stairs.

NOIR OBGYN is a speculum-swinging doctor by day, a stripper by night, and a vigilante packing more heat than two dozen microwaves all the rest of the time. The town she strumpets around in, Turpitude, is several levels of inhabitability below that of Chernobyl and Bhopal. It's population is corrupt; the music is sultry; the streets are so dangerous, the only parts of speech allowed out after dark are subject, verb and predicate.

Have I gone a tad too suggestive? Perhaps. I re-reviewed all the episodes of Assy McGee again. At least my main character doesn't expel gas like a Ford Pinto every time she speaks.



As for NOIR OBGYN, the series idea itself will be posted here in its entirety within several days.

The Squish Heard Underfoot Might Be Marco Polo: Adventures On Marrs

Ever since I was a kid and some old Greenbush sage told me cockroaches survived atomic explosions, I've had a fascination with insects of the order Blattaria. Of course, living in the Greenbush area afforded me many opportunities to see cockroaches up close and personal. There was the time one almost fell down my throat while I lay on the floor of an abandoned house, staring up at a ceiling full of them. As I grew older, the enthrallment to let them split the rent, eat at the same table, or even share my bed (no matter how drunk either I or the cockroaches were) dissipated to zero. Cockroaches as animated characters, now that's a whole other phylum.

Cockroaches have appeared as subordinates in such films as A Bug's Life, Twilight of the Cockroaches, An American Tale, Monsters and Aliens, WALL-E, and Men in Black, as well as dozens of television series, including one of my favorites, Oggie and the Cockroaches.

People sometimes ask me, "Greenbush Boy, where do you come up with your twisted concepts and are you featured on the Homeland Security Watch list because of them?"

"Beats me," I tell them; but my creative journey, much like removing oneself from the TSA Watch List, is circuitous and about as difficult to follow as footprints in water. I need a GPS system most of the time just to locate my shadow.



Take, for instance, Irwin, the cockroach star of Adventures on Marrs...Landfill. Around 1970, I first heard a song titled "Tennessee Bird Walk" performed by country western stars Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan. I was still living at home on Mills Street, next to the James Bowen House, in the family basement by the broken water heater and the old chicken coop. I had three possessions in life, none linked to my dignity: a broken hot plate, a pre-war sofa bed, and a rabbit-eared black and white TV that broadcast only farm reports, tele-evangelists, and country music programming. I liked "Tennessee Bird Walk." It was the kind of twangy, down home music I could really get high listening to without feeling too guilty about leaving the haze of Deep Purple and Black Sabbath for a few minutes. Amazingly, these two heavy metal giants are still out there flailing away in the 2009 cardiac arrhythmia tours. But I digress.

Several years after "Tennessee Bird Walk", Blanchard and Morgan came out with a song that fit perfectly into the singalong world of Doctor Demento. The lyrics of "The Cockroach Stomp" were so perverse that they made my other favorite song on death, Jim Carroll's "People Who Die," sound like a nursery rhyme. Country western music had immortalized cockroach destruction.

Several years ago I ran across this nonsense:



This video reminded me of the afternoon I sat in Brittingham Park watching a homeless man try to fish what looked to be parts of a broken terrarium out of Lake Monona. The man refused to go anywhere near the water and was using, not to successfully, an iron bar to coax his obsession to the shore. I was about eight at the time and I had just come from a hard day at Longfellow Grade School.

I'm 25 years away from being in this picture.

Without any hesitation I jumped into the nutrient-filled, algae-clogged lake water, teeming with bloated fish skins. Only when the water circled my throat did I remember that I had yet to learn how to swim (never did) and I was wearing my Sunday go to meeting clothes from school. Thankfully I had just seen Lassie basically do the same thing with Little Timmy, so I dog paddled this piece of broken flotsam ashore .

As soon as the westerlies blew me ashore, the old man grabbed the terrarium. A bunch of slimy bugs fell from their watery hiding places and scattered in all directions. Picking it up high over his head, he yelled something that sounded like, "Get thee back into the water, demon witch,"and flung the terrarium back out into the lake. He then began the poking process all over again with his iron pole.

I sat there soaked, with a dead fish in my back pocket, while the homeless guy banged away at the water, wondering what excuse I would give my parents this time for my appearance. The guy suddenly stopped walloping the water and strode towards me, snarling that I had poisonous water beetles climbing all over me. I looked down. There was one struggling to climb out of my pant cuff. That was enough. I ran screaming out of the park almost becoming roadkill on West Washington Avenue. I spent the next day and a half submerged in a bathtub, ignoring that fact that I had abandoned my school books and the next day's assignments in the park. I guess the homeless guy tossed them into the lake. They washed ashore in Hannibal , Missouri several months later.

Then, about the same time as the above video, I read an article about a grade school science terrarium mistakenly carted off to the city dump during the summer recess. The kids, the school board, parents, the mayor went nuts at this costly mistake. The article mentioned how the kids had lovingly taken care of the plants and the water filtration system and the bugs, slugs, grubs and other creepy crawlies for years, and now had no reason to live or at least attend class. One precocious child was quoted as saying she felt very worried for the safety of her "friends" because, like her house pet "Fluffy," none of the "glass house" occupants had ever had to survive on their own.

"Terrarium." "Glass house." "Pampered insects." That night I began working on Adventures on Marrs...Landfill.

This story is a simple tale of a daydreamer: A cockroach named Irwin, who has lived a pampered existence in a science terrarium in Ms. Goff's sixth-grade class. While all his friends frolic, doing bug and insect party things, Irwin sits attentively listening to all of Ms. Goff's lectures on science and outer space travel -- especially about those unmanned explorations on the planet Mars.

Irwin watches all the educational movies shown in class, and every night he studies all the forgotten homework left on top of his glass home. He hopes one day to be called by a Mr. Houston to rocket off into space and do some exploring of his own. He keeps a diary of his life in the glass house, which all the inhabitants call affectionately Casa a Pupae. Like every visionary, he doodles faces in his book.

One day Irwin and his friends wake up and discover they are no longer in Ms. Goff's class, but some place called Marrs which, as Irwin notes, was always spelled incorrectly on the blackboard. Unfortunately, the "Landfill" part of the sign had long since disintegrated; but to Irwin, his wish had come true. Obviously, Mr. Houston wanted his and his friends to explore the planet really badly because no advance warning had been given and certainly there were no NASA training sessions. He didn't even have to spin around in circles.

What Irwin and his crew are about to explore on Marrs

Irwin observes in his diary of the similarities between the Marrtian landscape and Ms. Goff's classroom floor. Perhaps being an astronaut will not be as challenging as it is made out to be. Perhaps Marrs and Earth are not that dissimilar after all.

Irwin's diary begins here.

The Blog's the Thing

Today is not the birthday of Laurence Olivier ,but it is possibly the birthday of the guy who created the skull he's holding. Scholars argue whether April 23, 1564 is William Shakespeare's real birth date (there is a record of his baptismal on April 26th), but the world is quite sure that Earth's greatest author left this brave new world on this date in 1616. So if it's not his birthday, it's his death day. Votive candles should still be lit.

My first recollection of Shakespeare was in sixth grade, when Miss Waugh became so exasperated with my classroom whispering she reared back and threw a paperback copy of The Bard's shortest play, "Comedy of Errors," straight at my head. Corporal punishment was still the law of the landscape back then in Wisconsin, which no doubt was the reason why Ed Gein left school early. That got me thinking, how amazing old age is that a sixty-five year-old woman could still throw a three fingered splitter. I was to learn that had she hit me with Shakespeare's longest play, "Hamlet," I would today be Yorick himself, rather than an emaciated wannabe lookalike.

A friend asked me once whether there was a way of using animation to teach children at an early age the beauty of Shakespeare. He thought because I was in kids programming, everything I touched was educational in content. I must have looked like Big Bird that day or had sesame seeds caught in my teeth. The closest I came to anything educational was spelling X-Men with a capital X.

But the question haunted me, because at that moment I didn't have any girlfriends that did. Google Shakespeare with animation and you get dozens of sites where three hour plus plays are squeezed into 24-minute loopy truncations. While much of the animation is steps above the 70's Saturday morning cliche, the largest obstacle remained: Some of the world's greatest tales were so watered down that Classic Illustrated Comics read like St Augustine.

The Master's works were filleted to such a blistering degree that the Hamlet soliloquy, for instance, "To be or not to be, that is the question..." became "To be" and we're out of here. Things were so crudely edited that Romeo was left talking to himself under the balcony, the "Taming of the Shrew" morphed into a pigmy mouse, Falstaff resembled a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, and the trio of MacBeth witches became one Weird Sister with a multiple personality disorder. The Bard deserved better. A new method to introduce kids to the man who invented being human was required.

Nine years and hundreds of thousands of words later, scores of broken ideas, busted concepts, burnt out laptops, and too much taste testing of Absolut, Popov, Ketel One, Smirnoff, and Vox, I'd come up with one clean possibility of using animation without hopefully the crack of doom or the dogs of war crashing down upon me.

Over time, I will lay out the ideas that didn't make it, concepts too limiting, not clever enough, too stupid, or really really too stupid. Eventually I will post the one I think works the best. Some have already read my proposal, their facial expressions forcing me to wonder whether I've given them the Piers Plowman Middle English version. I'll take that as a positive sign.

I would post one short idea now, except I am already late to see Oliver Sacks at UCLA.

To Forget is Golden: The Ludlow Effect

We live in a society where history is re-versioned in real time and memory is as malleable as blown confetti. I was an American history major, so at an early age I became aware of this country's tendency to collectively forget its thirty-car pile-ups and focus instead on the clear stretch of highway ahead. Why waste the energy filling out messy police reports? In fact, why bother sticking around at all? Promise like some drunk lurching from one roadhouse to the next to never ever take that curve again at such a high speed; when appropriate, genuflect to God several times; and then move forward. This way we could forever maintain that vision of America as that shining house on a hill and not a ramshackle lean-to in need of an Orkin pest man.

We exalt the Alamo, but we breath the air of Levittown. We love sameness: Same political mistakes; same justifications and mumbling 1984 doublespeak obfuscations; same obtuse reasons given to slide into illegal wars; same maligning and marginalizing critics; same illegal behaviors to safeguard the nation; same apologists contorting historical documents for their own narrow ends. Same, same, same and same.

Take torture, for instance. The greatness of 24/7 "news" is the magical ability of network bookers to find someone who can justify any political position no matter how heinous. Many torture defenders, for instance, apparently changed their majors from sanity to attend Washington D.C's newest campus: the Torquemada Chiropractic College of Ouch.

I thought we had a War Crimes Act; I thought we signed the Geneva Convention; I thought we hung a bunch of monsters after WWII to set legal precedents about a nation's conduct during wartime. We even jailed German jurists who helped to codify the actions of the Nazis. Weren't these now the rules of the game?

The memos are fairly depraved and show a total contempt for the U.S. Constitution and rule of law, but it's cool lawyer-speak providing the CIA with legal cover to engage in torture. No doubt Bernhard Losener and Franz Albrecht Medicus were kind men, loved their wives and did not beat their dogs but these two government jurists helped to legislate the Nuremberg Laws of 1935. You think Hitler (born on April 20th as well) wanted to skim law books himself? He was too busy burning them.

I hope John Yoo and Jay Bybee and Steven Bradbury and all the rest of the S & M crowd at Justice are disbarred and or impeached, so they can go off and write their books...in jail. If President Obama believes this issue is a tempest in a teapot and we should move forward, then I would advise him to remember what he was doing during those years he presumably was teaching something called Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago.

The Ludlow Massacre took place on April 20th 1914 in Ludlow Colorado. Other than academics and socially aware individuals, few people today know of the existence of this event. In a way it set a precedent for 20th Century American forgetfulness. A number of books catalogue the sequence leading up to the deaths of the 66 men, women and children who were cut to pieces by machine gun fire or burned to death by the Colorado National Guard and private security forces during the coal miner strikes of that year. The cost of such adventurism was financed by the Rockefeller family which owned the mines at the time. After some government hearings and some bad press coverage for the Rockefeller clan, the incident disappeared, soon to be replaced by Europe's attempt to wipe itself out.

Sixty-six people died and America moved on. No one was ever charged. Four students fell dead at Kent State. No one was convicted of their killings. In My Lai, 300-500 unarmed Vietnamese were slaughtered. William Calley spent about four months in jail; but by then much of the nation had already moved onwards. I bring up Wounded Knee (although it was 14 years before Ludlow), where some 300 unarmed men, women and children of the Lakota Nation were shot dead by the 7th Cavalry, but that's so far back in our history we might as well be talking about the Middle Ages. Anyway, the Army had to redress the Custer mistake 1875 and it did. At least the Army makes a habit of not forgetting.

A cancer never packs its bags, doff its hats, and heads off down the road by itself. Left untreated, it sticks around until dying along with the host. It's like that malignant brother-in-law who comes to visit with a cheap bag of groceries promising to only stay in the basement until he's back on his feet. The problem is not with the brother-in-law, who acts as expected, but the mistake of letting him settle in in the first place.

John Dean called Watergate "A cancer on the Presidency". The torture memos and the philosophy spawned from them are far "worse than Watergate." The office of the Presidency needs several high colonics after the last eight years of swaggering Bush crap. A normal cleansing will no longer do. The precedence of torture by the American government is a particular bit of fecal matter that has metastasized beyond the intestinal walls of the body politic. It now rests squarely around our very heart, a stench not soon to go away.

In The End It's Not The Years In Your Life That Count. It's The Life In Your Years.

Lincoln's Deathbed in the Petersen House

"A little before seven I went into the room where the dying President was rapidly drawing near the closing moments. His wife soon after made her last visit to him. The death struggle had begun. Robert, his son, stood with several others at the head of the bed. He, bore himself well but on two occasions gave way to overpowering grief and sobbed aloud, turning his head and leaning on the shoulder of Senator Sumner. The respiration of the President became suspended at intervals and at last entirely ceased at twenty-two minutes past seven"
Morse, John T. (editor), The Diary of Gideon Welles (1911)

Gideon Welles served Lincoln as Secretary of the Navy. Upon hearing the news that the President had been shot earlier in the evening of April 14th, he and Secretary of War Edwin Stanton rushed to the side of the stricken Lincoln. Aides had moved the dying President across the street from the Ford Theatre to the Petersen House.

"Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow."
— Abraham Lincoln

Disney Has Found Its Eighth Dwarf

Once upon a time there were some miners named Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, and Doc, and, of course, Dopey. They were the Seven Dwarfs that helped to create the Disney Empire. They were short. They were industrious. They were male.

Today, Disney uses a new group of dwarfs to help fashion their empire. They don't have funny iconic names, but they do have eyes that see the obvious and ears that hear the sound of checks being written out to them.

Disney was one of the few animation studios that missed my talented demeanor and droopy-eyed approach to programming, especially boy-centric programming. Now it appears that that boat hasn't so much left me at the dock as sunk in the harbor. Us old diggers who rooted out transcendent ideas as if they were subterranean fungi are now as current as, let me see, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride or the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Submarine Voyage. A new breed of creative development executives now gallops across the company's TV landscape: the raging anthropologist and the wily psychologist. Their job: to find out where Disney's lost boys have gone.

The Toon Disney into Disney XD transformation is too complicated and messy to explain in a family friendly blog. I try to remain upbeat and entertaining throughout my writings here. Some news items simply set me down into my own inner space adventures. I'll let this article and this article act as an E ticket ride to bring the reader up to snuff.

I produced more methane reading this particular New York Times article than half the dairy herds in Wisconsin emit in a week. Maybe that's the reason I don't bring newspapers to social events. Apparently Disney TV can't attract boys to its live action and animation programming because… well that's what these new hunters and gathers have been called in to find out. Disney XD has lost its XY.

Disney owned the boys TV market at one time, with Davy Crockett and Zorro and Spin and Marty and The Hardy Boys; but that was so long ago most of America's Interstate Highways were still being numbered odd or even. Those programs were all action-packed, and adventure-oriented, with great characters, plenty of bonehead humor and storylines that made you wish you were part of the proceedings. I wonder if Walt Disney ever asked any of his subordinates to gather themselves up some focus groups to see how long a raccoon tail Davy Crockett's hat should have?

I was part of the Fox Kids team in the '90s that reinvented Saturday morning, developing programming that attracted both genders quite easily. We blew away the competition with Batman, X-Men, Spiderman, Goosebumps, and a re-versioned Beatlejuice. We created the fabled 6-17 demographic, the first time ever that a salesman could sell advertising to such a vast kid market skew. None of us were professional academics, brand consultants, marketing mavens, or long term strategic thinkers. We were rank and file executives who knew story, understood our audience, and most importantly, worked around equally talented writers, storyboard artists, directors, and voice talent. The only time I ever heard the word "focus" was at my ophthalmologist.

Yet now the Rosetta Stone for attracting boys is a ratty Black Sabbath tee shirt. Black Sabbath has been around longer than Stonehenge. I'm not following how Ozzy Osbourne biting off the head of a bat helps configure a show for Disney, but then I don't have a degree in marketing.

If Aaron Stone succeeds, it is not because he is a mediocre hoop player, but rather because he's a normal kid thrust into the role of a superhero – an example of wish fulfillment attractive to both genders. I'm still dreaming of being bitten by a radioactive spider, though lately the only things biting me are villainous creditors.

Forgive me, Lord, for I am about to sin, but I don't know any man who would ever utter something as blatantly moronic as this line: “Winning isn’t nearly as important to boys as Hollywood thinks.”

Really!!!!!Get back to me with various examples because my testosterone-fueled mind can't conjure up one.

Oh, and one other item from this insipid article merits some commentary:

You, the executive VP of Research at MTV: Don't rewrite history! What were you, two years-old when Fox Kids was handing the competition its lunch on barbed wire doilies? We wrote the history on revamping a day-part that was by that time deader than heaven on a Saturday night. You guys just added additional chapters to the logic already established.

People Thought Wright was Wrong at the time of his Death

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the death of America's second greatest architect, his work surpassed only by God's handiwork along the Colorado River.

I know nothing about Frank Lloyd Wright, except that he went to my high school when it was called Madison High, and, like me, stank academically especially in algebra, botany and physics. There is no record that he ever graduated from high school, possibly because the building that housed it looked somewhat like this and he had no hand in its architectural demeanor. In the early 20th century, that building was torn down and replaced by one designed by Cass Gilbert, the architect who designed the Woolworth Building in New York City. That's the one where I roamed the halls and visited the principal's office for six years.

There is a record of me graduating from this high school. But look at what Frank Lloyd Wright did with his life without a high school diploma. Obviously this was a delinquent who didn't care if he was left behind. Is life fair? As fair as the odds in winning the Power Ball. I'll blog about those percentages some other time.

If you want to know more about this iconic Wisconsin native, try the Brenden Gill biography. It's probably one of the best overall view of this genius currently on the market. However, if you are like me and desire the Spark Notes version of FLW's life, Marcus Field of The Independent has done an admirable job -- especially encapsulating the murder, mayhem, adultery, political, and artistic controversy that made up much of Lloyd Wright's 91 years.

Also check out the superb Ken Burns documentary, from which this is a short excerpt:



Now the first time I remember hearing the name Frank Lloyd Wright was in 1956, during What's My Line, a program that introduced me to what it means to watch high society people act with all the panache and charm of Noel Coward-created characters.



Note on this particular episode panelists Peter Lawford and Paul Winchell. I met Winchell a quarter of a century later as the master voice of both Gargamel of the Smurfs and Tigger of Winnie the Pooh.

Shortly after the end of the program, I decided to become a world famous architect. I took out my Lincoln Logs and created my own version of Fallingwater.



Unfortunately, my version ended up looking like this:


At least I didn't flood out my high school. Instead, it was torn down in 1986, about 60 years after the first FLW-designed building in Madison saw the wrecking ball close up and personal.