Monday, March 15, 2010

The Worst Julius Caesar Joke of All Time

On the Ides of March in 44 BC, Julius Caesar, the man who single-highhandedly brought down the Roman Republic, walked into the wrong end of several daggers. If you want to learn more about this man whose innards were turned into a salad of the same name, I suggest something called school -- but as assassinations go, this one ain't no Jean Paul Marat.

I wasn't looking for one, but recently a friend named Pig-Iron told me a Julius Caesar joke. He calls me up like clockwork whenever an arcane holiday hits the calendar: Arbor Day, St. Vitus Dance Day, Wash Yourself Properly for a Change Day. I think most of the holidays he comes up with are from the Mayan Calendar. Fortunately for him all play wonderfully at 2 AM at the Laugh Factory after three shooters and two Long Island Ice Teas.

Pig-Iron is also a plagiarist: Most of his humor can be found wherever the Internet survives. Since I owe him money from some bad investments involving the words "Texas" and "Hold-em," I let him use me as a sounding board for his stand-up patter.
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, Hail mighty Caesar!"

Brutus turns to his mate and says ," He doesn't half talk some rubbish, eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum: "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and, as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls."

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, Hail mighty Caesar!"

Brutus once again turns to his mate and says, "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again: "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, Hail mighty Caesar!"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."
For those who don't get the joke either, here is an explanation of the term Away Goals.

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