Saturday, May 8, 2010


Well, once again I exploded my budget, ripped the screen door of fiscal responsibility clean off its hinges, and climbed willingly into the twin caves of excess and endangerment. As Mr. Schenck, my math teacher, once said to me, “Life is short, death is long; mister, you’re making a mockery of both simultaneously. Life is meant to be lived, so live it to the fullest, you dolt.” So instead of rushing to the beach on this beautiful May day, I sat in front of my computer, phone in hand, as I participated once again in the biennial Open Fields GREAT GOOSE EGG AUCTION. The quality of the eggs present and the exuberance of my bidding will, as usual, force me to eat dust bunnies until the next auction in 2012. I did remember, however, to put on sunscreen.

I am not an alumni of Open Fields which produces some of the smartest youngsters in that neck of the woods. Given my grades from ages 4-12, my enrollment chances would have been nil had I even applied. Somehow, being placed on a wait list until I turned 80, or being directed in Middle English by an eight year old towards some open fields in another state would have been more in line with my academic abilities.

I’ve been participating in this charity event ever since 2000, although, unfortunately, I've never made it back to sit in the audience myself and raise a paddle in person. I've had some very wonderful surrogates instead doing paddling for me. I keep saying "next biennial in Hanover" but that chant, like so many others, fall on ears stuffed with cotton.

My history with the city of Hanover is blighted at best. The last time I was in the town Dartmouth calls home was in the late 90s. Over a cup of smoking joe and a bagel at The Dirt Cowboy, I was given the boot by a woman who basically told me at gunpoint that our relationship was not only over but so over. She was a kind sort and did wish me all the luck in the world hitchhiking back to California without shoes or any personal ID. She then gave me directions towards the Canadian border for good luck. I'd love to Facebook her and tell her that, after several years and a couple of months in jail for vagrancy, I did make it back to Los Angeles. I don't believe she has Internet service in her shack up on Mt. Washington though.

I recommend taking a gander at this year's Open Fields catalog. While dreaming of owning any of these very special items will do you no good now, there is always 2012. Knowing how smart the Open Fields people are, no doubt they will schedule the next goose egg auction well in advance of the end of the Mayan Calendar.