Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Prairie Home Con-panion

H.L. Mencken once said: A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

I love Michele Bachman because she's from Minnesota, and I'm not. Every time she opens her mouth, I check her hair coloring. If stupid remarks were a crime, she'd never leave the courtroom. When Michele Bachman stands before a crowd and talks of our glorious history, I can hear Texas School Board members scream out, “Told you Maud, home schooling works even for them Northerners.”

Bachman represents a portion of the Minnesota electorate who relish being represented in Congress by someone living in an alternate universe. So I was wondering what sort of fifth grade social studies test she might have taken years ago to prepare herself for the national poltical stage.

Thanks to Google “You Betcha,” I was able to find one of Michele’s earlier grade school tests.

What state is Duluth, Minnesota in?

The Cold War was an ongoing international conflict between

1) Kenmore and Westinghouse
2) Any husband and wife
3) The Arctic and Antarctica
4) Those who lived in Florida and those who vacationed there for the winter

Alexander Graham Bell invented

1) Graham crackers
2) The Liberty Bell
3) Belle from Beauty and the Beast
4) Nothing worth speaking about

The Revolutionary War was fought to

1) Give the French something to do when not surrendering
2) Free the Indians, slaves, and other white people
3) Destroy secular humanists
4) Make sure all the guns worked properly

Lewis and Clark

1) Were two famous quarterbacks who played early baseball
2) Were with Columbus when he sailed up the Hudson
3) Were joint presidents during the Civil War
4) Were women

The United Nations was founded

1) To make Manhattan feel important
2) By Russian Communists looking for the Northwest Passage to Brooklyn
3) To give Fox News something to rail against
4) Because the League of Nations was too long to spell

The Red Scare

1) Was the threat that Cincinnati would win the World Series
2) Followed the Blue Yellow and Mauve scare
3) Is a dyslexic version of Red Rum
4) Happens when running a yellow light in front of a cop

Slavery was bad for America because

1) We couldn’t ship those jobs overseas
2) Singing slaves made better music than Swedish homesteaders
3) It produced excess federal funding for underground railroads
4) It was!!!

American Literature is the world’s best because

1) It’s written in English
2) Self help books are written nowhere else
3) It’s remaindered quickly
4) It uses the same letters as the Bible

What four presidents are represented on the face of Mt. Rushmore?

1) Reagan and three others
2) What’s Mt. Rushmore?
3) Presidents from Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky
4) Are the two Roosevelts’ the same person?

Final essay question: What are your thoughts about whether loaded guns should be brought to high schools in the same book bags as beer?

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